The Gimpy Colon*

*No, it's not another trendy bar.

The Bizarro World…

on April 1, 2011

Maybe I should say.. The Opposite World.

A few days ago, I got a phone call from my Endocrinologist’s office saying that there was a cancellation and I could come in to see him on Friday (which by the way, is today). I was told that when I did come to see him, it would take about 3 hours total from start to finish. I was also told that he is thorough.

So I collected magazines for my busy bag and headed off to the endocrinologist today at 10:05 a.m. I finally actually got into the room at 11:20 a.m. and was seen somewhere around 11:45ish.

Dr. Endo is a nice guy, likes chit chat, and likes to tell you what is crap and what isn’t. Very direct… and it turns out, super thorough. He wanted to know my entire story from start to finish, from me, even though all of the information, my hospital visits, pictures of my insides, blood test results, notes from three different doctors are all right in front of him on the computer. Long story short, it turns out that my cortisol problem may be a problem and may not be a problem. First, I have to wean off of prednisone verrrrrrrry slowly. According to my calculations, I won’t be off prednisone until August. After that point, I have to take a test to make sure I’m actually producing enough cortisol. Apparently, there’s a difference between making enough and making what you are supposed to make. So we’re going to find out about all of that in October. If I’m not making enough cortisol, then I’ll have to take a pill. You know… more pills.

The reason I call this post The Bizarro World or should call it The Opposite World (but I think that the Bizarro World episode of Seinfeld fits better), is because ever since I was diagnosed or sometime after I was diagnosed:

1. I was told that I cannot have fresh fruits or fresh vegetables.

2. I was told to “try” not to even have any cooked vegetables. You know, if I happen upon a pile of cooked vegetables and I fall over and some of it accidentally falls into my mouth, it’s not a big deal, but try not to let it happen again.

3. I was told not to have anything with a lot of fiber in it. Two grams of fiber was too much fiber. Did you know that EVERYTHING has fiber in it? It’s all the rage.

4. I was told that my dramatic weight gain due to the prednisone pleased the doctor… pleased him. So many of his Crohn’s patients are so thin and malnourished. I have room.. ROOM to I guess feed off myself before I get really sick…. I dunno… I’m in a strange part of the planet where fat is good. Bizarro world.

5. See number 3 for emphasis…

6. I was told to “try” not to go to the gym too much because it would distrub the healing process. I can walk the dog around the block though.. but don’t get winded.

7. And today makes the list EXTRA bizarre. I was told (and I have it in writing for all you doubters) that if a salt craving comes along I am to give in and eat the salt… people who know me well, know that’s bizarre…

So if you add all of this stuff up, the inability to eat pretty much anything healthy, instructions to not exercise, and finally, my favorite… “Hey Gimpy! EAT MORE SALT”.

I know what’s coming next… “Hey Gimpy! Quit your job and play Mario Kart all day… it’s good for your colon!”

I have to go pick the kid up from soccer practice… let’s hope I don’t wind myself on the way to the car.



4 responses to “The Bizarro World…

  1. damudder says:

    Sounds like my kind of doctor — I volunteer to play Mario Kart and eat potato chips with you.

  2. KTC says:

    I agree. Let’s all pay Mario Kart, and I swear I won’t even THINK about bringing a veggie plate with me… ;-}

  3. Renee says:

    I don’t know, Maura. Even with “KTC” not bringing a veggie plate, I somehow still worry about you face-planting in some asparagus or something. Pleeeeease be careful!

  4. wendy says:

    OMG I love you! What a great post. I too have had the same things said to me in the past and thought I was crazy and kind of kept it to myself and didn’t tell anyone for fear that they wouldn’t believe me and think I was just plain off my rocker!

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