The Gimpy Colon*

*No, it's not another trendy bar.

The Shoutout…

on April 14, 2011

My health has been poor lately, so I’ve been on a liquid diet since Monday. It’s mostly pain and so, since I’m not exactly malnourished, my GI doctor allowed me to go on Ensures and applesauce to give the gimpy colon a rest. I do feel better with just the Ensures, but it is a tad … sad… that I make actual food for the boys and I get to drink my meals out a bottle… I’m all for a comfy colon though.. so I shouldn’t complain.. but I will anyway… poor, poor, gimpy colon.

But enough of that… I have a few shout-outs I want to do. I’ve gone to several restaurants in the area and also grocery stores with my crazy diet requirements in hand… no fresh vegetables, no fresh fruit, no gluten, no nuts, no seeds, no fiber, no popcorn, no sex, no drugs, no wine, no women, no fun, no sin, no you, no wonder it’s dark…. (That’s a shout-out to my biggest big brother.)

Here’s a shout-out to Pamela’s Products and Giant Grocery Store. Giant is one of our local grocery stores. About a year ago, they opened a new one which has a whole section for freaks like us. Gluten-free, egg-free, dairy-free, all that stuff. There’s a whole row of gluten-free stuff and one of the more yummy lines is Pamela’s Products. Giant has most of Pamela’s products which are currently my favorite of the “mixes”. Granted, I’ve only been gluten-free for a short time. Pamela’s pancake and baking mix has been consumed by the gluten eating men of the house (read that as, they didn’t notice that it was any different from any other pancakes)… Farmboy totally digs the chocolate chip cookies made from Pamela’s pancake and baking mix. I haven’t tried to make the muffins or any of the other recipes on the package, but I keep a package of Pamela’s mix around just in case….. I start eating real food again.

Giant also carries Foods by George which is where I got my very first gluten-free English muffin. I’ve mentioned before that the gluten-free English muffin as created by Foods by George looks and tastes nothing like an American English muffin. I confess, I’m lame and I don’t know what a real English muffin looks like or whether English muffins come from England or if it’s like French fries and only Americans make up these foreign names for things. Last time I was in Europe, I was three. Cut me a break…

…Wait a minute… why am I admitting lameness? I have google… AND Wikipedia… and here’s what I’ve found since I’m so brilliant with search engines… The English Muffin does come from England and back in the 1700s they called it a moofin… which is hilarious. I couldn’t read any more after moofin. I don’t need to know anything more than moofin.

Anyway, like I said before, Foods by George English moofins… taste and look nothing like a regular English moofin. In fact, if I were to do the Pepsi challenge with English moofins by George, I would have to go with biscuit. Not ENGLISH biscuits… I know those are different. I’ve seen Upstairs/Downstairs. But regular American biscuits. So every morning, I eat an egg with some kind of gluten-free spread and a moofin by George. Here’s the package… disregard the spelling of the word “moofin”. I’ll have to have a talk with George about his spelling skills.

Shout out #3 goes to Betty Crocker who has a whole line of make yourself box deserts that are gluten-free. You can get yellow cake, devil’s food cake, chocolate chip cookies and brownies. You can even find them in the baking aisle at the grocery store so I got to feel like less of a freak for about five seconds. I bought and baked a chocolate box cake by Betty herself. I haven’t tried it yet, but I have tried the cookies. They’re good and totally passable as gluten-filled. In fact, I’m starting to wonder why the world needs gluten.

I have a couple of other shout outs but I’m low on time these days. I’ll have to break it into another post.



6 responses to “The Shoutout…

  1. Connie says:

    Hey Maura, sorry that you’re not feeling so well these days!!! Hope you’ll be off the liquid diet soon!!!!

  2. damudder says:

    Happy Birthday!!! I’ll come over next week with cassava chips and we’ll play Mario Kart.

  3. BiggestBigBrother says:

    Shout out received! Feel better! Hope youy had a happy birthday!

  4. Clara Castrellon says:

    Your mom just turned me on to your blog. Do a lot of nurses follow it? It’s fascinating. Hope you had as happy a birthday as possible.

    Aunt Clara

  5. troy becker says:

    Heal well. Thanks for the tidbit on the moofin!

  6. cathy blount says:

    I’m late to the post, but if you have a bread machine, we all loved Pamela’s bread machine bread too. It was the only gluten-free bread I ever found that I thought was edible. It’s makes a really good loaf for sandwiches.

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