The Gimpy Colon*

*No, it's not another trendy bar.

The Annoying Customer…

on June 3, 2011

I’m feeling better! Thanks for asking!

I’ve been having some frustrations with some local eateries that are claiming to have gluten-free foods and have them, but it turns out for one reason or the other, the gluten free food they do have is also not Crohn’s friendly either. Hence, I have to ask a zillion questions and sometimes be really overly direct about the contents of every dish they might have.

Just to review, my diet consists of NOT having fresh fruits or vegetables, anything with gluten (which basically means no wheat) and very very little fiber and if I can help it, no fiber at all. Although some cooked vegetables do go through without notice by the gimpy colon. So far we have cooked potatoes (read: French fries). Apparently the French fry has some sort of paperwork that can be shown at the entrance to my stomach which allows proper digestion through the gimpy colon. I don’t know why potatoes work, but I’m not going to complain.

So anyway, for example, we were at a restaurant the other day (I won’t say the name, suffice the name rhymes with “Molive Marden”) and they have a gluten-free menu. I asked if they could make me a ziti with gluten free noodles and instead of the marinara sauce, could I have the Alfredo sauce and cheeses and yes, I’m aware that the Alfredo sauce probably had gluten in it but I was willing to take my chances being that it was the Friday before Mother’s day and I had a hankering for ziti.

So the waiter (nice guy) says that the gluten free pasta is already mixed up in a special bowl with marinara sauce. I said that I couldn’t have marinara sauce and so I ended up ordering a steak and mashed potatoes… my third steak and mashed potato order from a restaurant in a row.

So many minutes later (and we weren’t in a hurry or anything and quite frankly, Farmboy and I have a tendency to yak yak yak and lose track of time pretty easily), the waiter comes back and tells me that they had to throw my steak away because it was touching some vegetables so they were going to cook me another special steak and should he bring the other food out right now? I felt bad, because I obviously wasn’t clear about my situation, and made them waste a steak, but I wasn’t about to say “you know what? Dig that sucker out of the garbage.. I’ll have it anyway.” I’m not allergic to vegetables, I just can’t EAT them…

So a bit later, the manager came out, was very apologetic and told me that my steak would be comped and so was our dessert. Which is funny because I couldn’t eat anything on that dessert menu anyway, so Farmboy was happy. Good for him.

I haven’t run into anyone who isn’t completely annoyed with my questions (or appeared to be) but I’m starting to get really annoyed at myself and rather than attempt to go out somewhere, I just snap the cap off another Ensure and guzzle away.

Well that was fun… on to this week’s Glutie Award… and back to the restaurant rant… Anytime I go to a restaurant, I usually have to bring some kind of bread with me or else I will be stuck eating something like a hamburger without the bun, which unless you are one of those freak “anti-carb” people, is not a happy meal… luckily, there’s the Grainless Baker…

Where would I be without the Grainless Baker hamburger buns? They also have hot dog buns which I imagine taste similar to the hamburger buns… good stuff. I hear they also have French baguettes… which I am actually afraid to try since I dislike being teased.

So congratulations are in order to the Grainless Baker.. if you run into the Grainless Baker whoever he or she might be, give ‘em a high five for me…



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