The Gimpy Colon*

*No, it's not another trendy bar.

The Quiet…

on September 29, 2011

The Gimpy Colon has been quiet. Shhhhhhh hear that? That’s the sound of a sleepy gimpy colon. I am truly grateful. And it’s been a busy fall so far. A lot of research has gone into the theory that most Crohn’s fails happen during periods of stress. But for some reason, I’ve been able to escape the nasty effects of my gimpy colon. I say that very quietly with every finger and toe crossed for good measure.

In fact, we are almost at a year since this whole debacle started. On October 3, 2010, I took our son to a birthday party which was taking place at the karate center just a few walkable minutes from our house. I came home, ate some leftover Dominoes pizza that my friend, Butter (we call her that because of her strange insistence that all baked items that pass her lips be made with butter and not margarine or any of those other fancy lards) and I had enjoyed the night before. I sat down on the couch to enjoy a non G rated movie for once and that’s when the pain hit.

The pain was on my lower right side and radiated around to my back. It reminded me of labor pains but were not intermittent… meaning it was a constant totally raw, totally outrageous pain. I tried switching positions, I tried walking around, I tried the bathroom… I finally gave up and went out to the carriage house to find the Farmboy. He immediately figured it was appendicitis and ran inside to get his wallet and keys.

On the ride to the hospital, I instructed the Farmboy to drop me off at the hospital and go and get the boy at the birthday party when the party was finished. Farmboy was clearly not liking those instructions, but was willing to listen to last requests… It’s funny, today we have a host of people in the neighborhood who could have taken care of the boy at this time, but just one year ago, there wasn’t a soul… consider this a public service announcement for the usefulness of school bus stops.

Anyway, we get to the hospital. Farmboy drops me off and speeds off to get the boy. I hobble into the ER and immediately ask the front desk person to kill me. She refuses to comply, and instead takes my information. At that minute, a man comes up behind me from my former church with a big ole’ “Hey how ya doin’?” I say that I’ve been better and hope that he goes away.

Now the pain I was having was the kind of pain where no speaking could happen… It hurt to speak, it hurt to hear people speak to me, it hurt to try and think of answers to questions… it hurt, it hurt, it hurt… so this man proceeds to ask me if it’s my son who is here for emergency care… I guess he didn’t notice me hunched over in outrageous pain. Then he asks me where I’ve been. I tell him I changed churches and I know I sound just like William Shatner… I. Changed. Churches. Then the guy asked me why I switched and that’s when God intervened and had the nurses call my name.

I get taken in a wheelchair to the triage area where they take my blood pressure and temperature and I guess figure out how serious my case is. Luckily (or unluckily… whichever…) my blood pressure is in the toilet. At that point, I’m basically waiting for permission to pass out. I get taken right to the back. Someone is there right away to assesses the situation. I get a nurse, the most beautiful nurse in the whole wide world, with a big giant needle… she fixes me… that nurse… with Toradol. Some fantastic pain stuff.

After that I get wheeled in for a CAT scan. The medical people are figuring that I have a kidney stone. I really don’t care at that point. They cured my pain. But, I go along with their silly tests…

And so, after a month of test taking which usually resulted in the doctor calling me THAT DAY with the results and having me take another test, we finally got my diagnosis… Crohn’s Disease…. Five months later…. Celiac Disease…. One month after that… Adrenal Insufficiency…

Memories….like the corner of my mind.

Anyway, here we are at today. I’m off Prednisone. I took a test to check my adrenal gland and find that it’s working pretty well. All my levels are good. I am currently weaning off Ultram which is kind of a funny story…. I got my prescription and actually forgot what Ultram did for me. It was for pain… well, I haven’t had much pain lately, so I thought.. I’ll just stop taking it… really bad idea. I spent two nights wandering around my house unable to sit… it was anxiety to the nth degree. So I started taking the Ultram again and went online to see what the deal was with getting off this stuff.

All the google entries talked about going to rehab, and taking other drugs to counter the Ultram and honestly, I could use a good rehab right now… one that has a spa. Anyway, I ended up calling my GI doctor. They are sending me my wean schedule tomorrow. Also good stuff.

Remicade is going well. I hope I get to stay on it. I know last year my GI doctor wanted me on Humira which is just a quick injection (I hear it’s painful though). I totally look forward to my turkey box, my chit chat with the nurses and watching Little House on the Prairie uninterrupted.

This November I get another colonoscopy. One of the joys of having Crohn’s disease is you get a colonoscopy every year. I can’t wait to see this year’s colon pictures compared to last year’s! And here another public service announcement from the Gimpy Colon… if you are over whatever age they want you to get screened for colon cancer, then for God’s sake man! Get a colonoscopy. The prep is good because you get cleaned out. They give you nice, fun, sleepy drugs, and they give you graham crackers when you come out of it. AND you get to find out what your colon looks like on the inside… it’s win win if you ask me.

Today’s Glutie Award goes to Molly’s on Main in Landisville, Pennsylvania. Sadly, we found out on Tuesday that Molly’s has closed its doors. Some gals that work there are trying to get it opened back up. Apparently the owners have decided to close it up (reasons for that are still unclear). The staff at Molly’s were great with my gluten-free bread. They aren’t “gluten-free” per se, but they are very accommodating and that’s all us Gimpy Colons can ever ask for.

Until next time… I shall try my darndest not to be such a stranger… of course, I don’t know if I can promise that. The boy has started travel soccer you see…

Be well!

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One response to “The Quiet…

  1. damudder says:

    I never got any graham crackers…nevermind; I like your update. Keep up the good work.

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